New guy. PTSD "faking normal"

Wally3430

Wally3430

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Hello..newbie here...first post. Love the information this site provides, so thank you all for posting.

I'll keep this as short as I can. 16 year active AF here. Former acft maintainer, former firefighter, current sensor operator. Was diagnosed with depression/anxiety disorder back in 2006; nearly ended my career. I learned to keep my mouth shut after that. Became a sensor operator in 2009. Had some sort of meltdown in early 2013. I went to mental health and spoke with a therapist 4 or 5 times. I think initially she put me down for PTSD...and once I heard that I immediately started to tone down my discussions with her (I would've been immediaely disqualified from "flying"). I think she ended up writing my case up as anxiety/depression something. After that, I changed the scenary..and everything was going pretty well for the first couple months. Then the old symptoms started appearing again. Plus, I have a few other issues I need to get looked at (tinnitus?, sleep apnea, blind spot in eye). I've been seen for all these before, but I never follow up....they just ddidnt seem like a big deal to me. But now, I'm considering dropping all these issues on the flight docs desk as soon as I return home. I know the PTSD thing will pretty much end my career...that's what I'm afraid of. I dread bringing this stuff up, being found unfit, get seperated with no retirement or a very small portion of what I would've got at 20 years. My family comes first to me, and I'm not certain if bringing these issues up is in their best interest. Ya, I know the right answer is to seek help, but it's hard to do knowing the consequences. Oh, question for folks with diagnosed PTSD....have you ever WANTED to go back to whatever it was that caused the PTSD in the first place? Well, that's why I'm deployed again...I wanted to get back into it...now the flashbacks/nightmares/flat feel have all returned in force. I just thought I COULDN'T have PTSD since I wanted back in combat.

So, just looking for a way ahead I suppose. Little bit of anxiety here just wondering which way this could go. To tell the truth, I'm tired of pretending everything is g2g. Tired of "faking normal". No question to me that this started while in the military. Dealt with many deaths as a firefighter and dealing with causing deaths as a sensor operator. F**ks with your head. Any direction is appreciated.
 
Good morning,
A quick story, short and to the point. Whilst I was active duty I had several things going on, both mentally, and physically. I suffered several illnesses and concerns, but kept them quiet from the military to enable me to fight on with honor. While deployed all of the little things came to head! I should of been medivac'd out, but I kept fighting, and nearly died doing so. Because I chose not to be "that guy", the one who goes home early, the one who skates out, I nearly died! I returned from a combat and was immediately med boarded retired. I didn't get the recognition for what I did in combat, nor the retired pay to match. Worst of all, I'm unable to work, and suffer from many conditions because I chose NOT to be treated for my TBI when it occurred.
We all want to serve honorably, which you have. The military life may seem big now, but a couple years from now you'll truly see how important all health matters are when it comes to you and your family.
In case my message isn't clear, see a doc NOW
 
Last thing you ever want to do is sugar coat conditions, especially mental health because it will only hurt you in the long run
 
Hey Wally. I've been a lurker for a long time also- the info on here has been INVALUABLE. Just recently started posting. I'll get to the point. Yes, I've been diagnosed with PTSD. No, it's not crazy to want to go back. If it wasn't for my daughter I would have gone back again and again, to where life made sense and had meaning; where the ones beside you were your family. I could go on ad nauseaum but you know what I'm getting at. HOWEVER- T-roy said it perfectly. Was getting injections to deal with the pain from our medics, and sucked it up. I loved what I was doing and there was no way I was pulling out early and leaving my brothers. Reality check- came back. Command had no idea what combat was. Didn't know what to do with me. Kept trying to keep on keeping on- playing normal. Had a couple shoulder surgeries- and kept trying to prove I was still in the fight, still had a lot to contribute in my high risk job. Screwed up the shoulder worse. Felt guilty for missing work and being in a sling so kept quiet about ankle pain- turned out talar bone had avascular necrosis (bone died) because I kept walking on it after the cartilage had been chipped off. Knee wore down to bone on bone on weight bearing surface. Self medicating for the PTSD. Then being diagnosed with a TBI which I hadn't even considered until they tested me and I realized that RPG might've been a wee bit close- blew that off too until everything just smacked me in the face with getting lost, forgetting stuff, blah blah. So now what? 12 years AD, 39 y o, waiting for my ratings. It's been 3 years of hell, slipping thru the cracks, having to ask my docs for tests after doing my own research. And quality of life post-AD? Don't know yet- haven't found my 'new normal' yet, but getting closer. I can second guess all day what might have been if I just would've been medevacd, but no use in that now. I have made peace with my decision, but it has been a very long hard road, and all my favorite activities- outdoors, adrenaline packed stuff that we loved to do as a family- have had to be traded in for more 'gentle' hobbies. And guess what? There IS life after the military. Family will be there. Being thru this process has made me realize we really are just a number to big DoD. Not necessarily to our battle buddies and those who know us best- but they are not the ones who are going to be signing that check and taking care of our medical stuff. As much as the whole 'time to do YOU' attitude goes against self-sacrifice/greater good/ etc mindset that makes us great, there comes a time when it is necessary.
Hope this made some sense, and lets you know you are NOT alone.
 
I agree.
Just the other day I was sitting with my therapist and going over how I'm trying to deal with the NARSUM from hell, trying to keep up with the Cognitive Therapy Group, manage migraines, neuropathy, some blown discs and I just told her that I wish I could just go back to theater where things were simple. You knew what the plan was every day even if you didn't know exactly what would happen that day. Here it is politics and games, backstabbing and slimy suits. If I didn't need the medical I would tell them to shove it all, but I do so they have me by the short hairs and I have to play the game a little longer. Hopefully, I'll reach the 'gentle' hobbies point someday, right now they just keep putting me right back into the firefight mode with everything..
 
Update: So...after laying some hate down on many Taliban, I finally returned from deployment. As much as I loved being in combat everyday, it had to end. Like clockwork when I got home, the nightmares, flashbacks, blank stares for minutes on end, loss of focus, irritabily...all that returned. I saw mental health---the guy was a douchebag...kept trying to explain anatomy in our sessions. Just seeing that guy made me irrated...he couldn't relate at all. I took myself off of flying status because I honestly believed I wouldn't be doing well "in the seat" at that point in time. Now, five months later, I'm still off flying status. Probably the right decision. Even though I've gotten a bit better by completely avoiding anything reminding me of combat...all that came crashing down one day. Three months after my last combat sortie, I was in school and this guy I didn't know had some combat footage of a B-1 hitting targets somewhere in Afghan. Had all the radio comm to go with it. Now normally I'd grab a bag of popcorn and be yelling "f**k yeah!". This time was different. I looked at the screen, I listened. Tunnel vision set in....I was basically in the fight again. Heart started beating faster, breathing increased...and then I had to peel away. I couldn't watch it anymore...I had to remove myself from the room. Not sure why...all the guys huddled around the laptop have never been in combat, employed weapons, heard friendly JTACs screaming over the radio while taking rounds. Maybe I was just disgusted with how these dudes acted having not seen or been around combat. Not their fault...they just don't know. Anywayz...after that moment..that's when I knew for sure something was not right with me. Since then I haven't flown. I've piped up on all my medical issues that I've been keeping a lid on. I've been seen for documented burn pit exposure (PFT indicated 34% decrease in lung capacity since deploying), diagnosed with tinnitus, refered for a sleep apnea test, and I'll have my 13th mental health appointment for PTSD tomorrow (with a new doc I don't know :/). What I don't understand is why the heck I havent been referred to a MEB? It's like the docs are just observing me until I fail something to validate my issues and THEN MAYBE they'll start the process. At this point...putting on E-8 in a month and nearly at 17 years...I'm ready to call it quits. Honestly, I'm hoping for a MEB and early retirement because the only thing I've found that somewhat helps the issues I have is removal from the military environment---and I hate to say that, but it's the truth. I refuse all pills/medications they try to put me on. Behavioral therapy shows minor, if any, improvements. Funny how everything makes sense downrange and it all falls apart upon return. WTFO?
 
FRESH UPDATE: New mental health doc highly recommended a therapy..can't remember what it was called. Basically I verbalize my flashbacks and nightmares over and over until they become no big deal. Only thing is...that's EXACTLY what I already do. I'm going to give it my best effort though thru the 12 session program. it's my understanding that if I don't show an improvement after that...I'll be referred to a MEB. Whatever. Coincidently...right after my MH appointment, I got a call from my PCM about my pulmonary issue. He said my lung capacity is normal, but I have hyper reaction to their brochialdilator..can't remember the name of the inhalant they use "m" something. Think he mentioned a 34% decrease in...something. This hasn't happened before...I imagine it has to do with the deployment I just returned from...got a burn pit exposure document from my squadron CC. Haven't taken my fit test yet, but I imagine my run time will decrease. Anyway...I asked what the diagnosis was and the PCM said "reactive airway disease...don't worry..we'll do a waiver". Hmm..so #1 I deploy and have regular close contact with burn pit (documented) then, #2, 5 months later I have a breathing test that comes back as "reactive airway disease"....yet they want to go right to a waiver. Doesn't make sense to me..surprised the PCM hasn't put 2 and 2 together.
 
In case anyone bothers reading this....it's been a month since my last update. Since then, my flight doc has told me that I will be "most likely" disqualified from flying due to multiple issues such as reactive airway disease (w/albuterol use), chronic PTSD, and a vision issue. Basically he said at this point in my career (17 years) and numerous waivers, the AF will look at it more as a cost vs. benefit issue...to which it'll cost too much to waiver my issues. So if I can't do my job, I suppose that leaves retraining, separation, or early retirement (if found unfit) as the only options. Problem is, these doctors tell me exactly nothing about what is going on. A medical guy mentioned they're waiting on my MEB to finish to find out what they're going to do with me, but I think that's BS. Pretty sure I would've heard if they were doing a MEB. Guess I'll just try to keep it together mentally and push my cardio until I can't breathe...to which I'll suck down some Proair and press on. Thoughts?
 
Wally3430 said:
In case anyone bothers reading this....it's been a month since my last update. Since then, my flight doc has told me that I will be "most likely" disqualified from flying due to multiple issues such as reactive airway disease (w/albuterol use), chronic PTSD, and a vision issue. Basically he said at this point in my career (17 years) and numerous waivers, the AF will look at it more as a cost vs. benefit issue...to which it'll cost too much to waiver my issues. So if I can't do my job, I suppose that leaves retraining, separation, or early retirement (if found unfit) as the only options. Problem is, these doctors tell me exactly nothing about what is going on. A medical guy mentioned they're waiting on my MEB to finish to find out what they're going to do with me, but I think that's BS. Pretty sure I would've heard if they were doing a MEB. Guess I'll just try to keep it together mentally and push my cardio until I can't breathe...to which I'll suck down some Proair and press on. Thoughts?
Click to expand...

I'm unable to address your primary concerns.

HOWEVER, search this site for BURN PIT exposure and be sure you get this issue COMPLETELY and thoroughly documented.

Also, go to the VA website and check out burn pit medical issues. It looks like this burn pit thing is going to morph into an "Agent Orange" issue much like our Nam Vets have been going through these past 40 years.

I hope others are able to chime in here and can give you appropriate input to all your issues, questions and concerns.

V/R,
nwlivewire
 
Thanks for the response livewire. Ya, I have a burn pit exposure letter in my records and I've brought it up a few times. No one here seems to care much about it and it seems they haven't dealt with that subject too much. Not sure how I can get it "more" documented.
 
Update: Doc #1 is writing a NARSUM for Reactive Airway Disorder and Periodic Leg Movement Disorder (hypersomnia sleep study result). Doc #1 is not going to submit the NARSUM until my MH doctor (doc #2) has written his NARSUM for chronic PTSD. Doc #1 wants to send them in together for added effect. Doc #1 sat me down and explained that my conditions will disqualify me from flying and will lead to either retention and retrain, separation, or medical retirement. Not sure, but I thought a NARSUM is done after a MEB is started and I receive my VA C&P exam???
 
UPDATE: So, Doc #1 wrote and submitted NARSUM for Reactive Airway Disorder and Periodic Leg Movement Disorder. It was written to draw attention to my chronic PTSD issue without actually talking about it. PEBLO was assigned appx. 25APR15. MEB is on hold until a NARSUM is written and submitted by MH doctor which will be late July/early August. My commander provided the statement which supports an unfit for duty and recommendation of retirement.
 
Need some advice here. I voluntarily enrolled in a PTSD treatment program at the base MH. Half way thru treatment, my MEB was started for PLMD (most likely related to PTSD) and reactive airway disorder. The MEB requested a NARSUM from MH (due to my primary doctors mention of PTSD), but my MH doctor doesn't want to do a NARSUM until my PTSD treatment is over (5 more weeks). It's a 12 week program, but I didn't actually start the "treatment" until about the sixth time I went into MH. BL, my MEB will not continue until the MH doc writes my NARSUM and provides it to MEB....and my MH doctor will not write a NARSUM until I've completed treatment.

At this point, I feel I'm not getting any benefits of voluntarily continuing on my PTSD treatment program. I'm about two seconds away from saying "f**k it" and stopping treatment. The sessions/treatment are not working for me for many reasons. Truthfully, the only reason I'm continuing with this current provider/treatment style is because he said he would write a NARSUM when we're all finished with program (5 more weeks). If I stop going right now, will the MEB proceed? Would the MH provider be forced to write a NARSUM? Would this help or hinder the MEB process? I just want to get the MEB process over and done with and have that monkey off my back. I know the right answer is to "stick it out" until the end of treatment, but this crap just goes on and on and my symptoms have either stayed the same or worsened; meanwhile I haven't been able to do my primary job for a year. Frustrated. Thoughts? Recommendations?
 
Its hard to predict what will happen with the doc if you stop treatment. There are stories of people getting crap put in their record because they disagreed with a doc over treatment. My instinct says it is probably better for the MEB process to just gut it out, but its not a total deal breaker. There are ways around the MH people saying the PTSD is not a problem, and its possible being MEBed for PTSD in addition to the other conditions isn't something that will benefit you greatly. I'd probably worry more about other factors than what effect continuing/stopping treatment than the MEB. I.e. is this the right treatment for you or do you need to insist on a different course of treatment? I don't think its invalid to see the best course of treatment is to get out of the military.

I would say, however, that the idea that its making things worse is actually a good sign. Its one of those things that gets worse before it gets better. Think of setting a bone, you are subjected to incredible pain so that things get back into alignment and can heal.
 
Wally3430 said:
Need some advice here. I voluntarily enrolled in a PTSD treatment program at the base MH. Half way thru treatment, my MEB was started for PLMD (most likely related to PTSD) and reactive airway disorder. The MEB requested a NARSUM from MH (due to my primary doctors mention of PTSD), but my MH doctor doesn't want to do a NARSUM until my PTSD treatment is over (5 more weeks). It's a 12 week program, but I didn't actually start the "treatment" until about the sixth time I went into MH. BL, my MEB will not continue until the MH doc writes my NARSUM and provides it to MEB....and my MH doctor will not write a NARSUM until I've completed treatment.

At this point, I feel I'm not getting any benefits of voluntarily continuing on my PTSD treatment program. I'm about two seconds away from saying "f**k it" and stopping treatment. The sessions/treatment are not working for me for many reasons. Truthfully, the only reason I'm continuing with this current provider/treatment style is because he said he would write a NARSUM when we're all finished with program (5 more weeks). If I stop going right now, will the MEB proceed? Would the MH provider be forced to write a NARSUM? Would this help or hinder the MEB process? I just want to get the MEB process over and done with and have that monkey off my back. I know the right answer is to "stick it out" until the end of treatment, but this crap just goes on and on and my symptoms have either stayed the same or worsened; meanwhile I haven't been able to do my primary job for a year. Frustrated. Thoughts? Recommendations?
Click to expand...

In my opinion, you should immediately voice all of your concerns to the PTSD treatment program providers and give them an opportunity to make the necessary adjustments for corrective treatment if feasible at this point.

Yes, frustration is going to run at a very high rate albeit electing to stop PTSD treatment in order to push the MEB along could potentially send a negative or unfavorable message potentially effecting its outcome.

Indeed, obtaining the appropriate PTSD medical treatment is of utmost importance and it seems that your MH physician is trying to properly assess your medical condition prior to writing a comprehensive NARSUM.

With that all said, my recommendation would be to continue the 12-week PTSD program until its completion then allow the DoD IDES process to properly continue with well-written medical documentation. Take care, and please continue to get well!

Thus, I quite often comment that "possessing well-informed knowledge is truly a powerful equalizer."

Best Wishes!
 
You are 5 weeks away from getting the NARSUM from MH. That's no long compared to the 16 years you've managed to navigate through the rough spots.
 
Thanks all for the advice. It's good to get an outside look to make sure I'm not completely crazy! My MH provider is aware of my concerns and frustrations. And he told me upfront it will get worse before it gets better. Not sure if it's getting worse due to the program or outside factors yet. He's as frustrated as I am though; he actually suggested maybe I should see another provider. He thinks that maybe I've "reached the end of effective treatment" with him. I've considered seeing another provider (my 3rd one), but I dread extending this process for even more time.
 
How long between did you deal with PTSD before you sought treatment?
 
chaplaincharlie said:
How long between did you deal with PTSD before you sought treatment?
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I probably dealt with it for a few years before it got out of control. Thought it was just normal..just something you had to deal with. Didn't even think I had PTSD and I certainly didn't want to be pulled out of a combat support role. I bit and scratched for another OEF deployment and got it, but after returning home..that's when it really got bad. Voluntarily sought help once all the work, family, and social problems were too much to ignore. That was last August.
 
@Wally3430

  • I guessed a long time. One of the challenges of treatment is that responses have become ingrained. The longer the time between symptoms and treatment the great the challenge to treat PTSD. Thus you may have to give it more time. Best wishes. Mike
 
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